I can’t fall asleep, and I can’t stop crying. I don’t understand why people would be so cruel. Why hate? Especially over something so……
like. I am technically suppose to get off work at 11am. I also have to put in the order for food, unlike my coworkers (part of being the supervisor). I stayed behind and helped clean and THEN did the order after 11 am, thus staying longer than I was suppose to to HELP. The one day I did the order before 11 because I had to be somewhere? Apparently I’m a horribly lazy person who doesn’t help at all. Like, where do I get the gall to do my job when I should be doing something else? And that isn’t the only thing I’ve done wrong, noooooo… being severely allergic to the dishsoap where I break out in pussy red hives and having a bloody nose later in the day isn’t a good enough reason to not do the dishes as much as they do the dishes. Albeit I bought a dishsoap I’m only mildly allergic to (just breaking out in pimple like things and sneezing) is a good enough reason for me to do all the dishes. Because we are a team we are working together. Not like I finish doing the dishes before I go if I’m there for the half shift when they don’t finish because they have other things to do. They get to pull the life card. I don’t. Not like I finish most of the outside cleaning wiping down, and the one time I don’t sweep the floor is the end of the world. (is this the part I mention they have NEVER finished cleaning the outside for me when they are on the halfshift, but I was ok with it because not everyone is as fast as me and that’s ok, they do other things better than me). I’m such a lazy person. OMG. What was I thinking? And they complain about this? About how I insist we load the fridge and freezer by health standards? I must be OCD. I mean, I keep moving the spoons so they are all in one container, same with the tongs. I ask that things not be moved so I don’t have to do even MORE on Fridays since I already have to move a lot of things around for the weekend. NO. Totally OCD. (which is kinda insulting to people who actually HAVE OCD. Using a condition as an insult because I don’t do things the way you do them is just not cool on any level)
I mean, I get they don’t see it that way. They aren’t me. But. Why would they get upset about me doing my job? I have more things I have to do than them. I still work faster than them and get things cleaner than them. Probably why my bosses, after telling me some of what my coworkers are complaining about, told me to just keep doing what I am doing. That I am doing a great job, and that I shouldn’t let their nitpicking complaints get to me. That I should just expect that drama will happen when you get females together.
But NO. I never had this kind of “drama” in highschool OR college. (minus one person near the end of college who got mad at me over a boy, and then lied about it, and took everything I did or said out of context to make everyone else mad at me when I already had guilt and self esteem issues when I SHOULDN’T HAVE FELT GUILTY) My friends were mature enough to talk to me if they had problems or questions. They didn’t lie to my face about how they felt about me or what they did or did not do. All of my current friends are also like this. At least, I hope so. How else are we going to solve the problem? I don’t want my friends to be unhappy or uncomfortable around me. Gossips and lies shouldn’t be EXPECTED behavior for adults, regardless of sex or gender. I’ve always had a mix friend group of both males and females (sometimes one more than the other, but always at least one of each… except middleschool because all the boys were rude to me and my friends. I don’t take kindly to people being rude to my friends). I didn’t avoid female friendship because of “drama”. I didn’t avoid male friendship because of “drama”. If you can’t talk to another human being to understand them and be understood because of some arbitrary rule you (and probably society, considering females are only rivals and can’t discuss things out in the open because we can’t be “confrontational” so can only show our true feelings behind their backs) made, then something is wrong with you (and society).
And now I am done crying. Because once again, I know I am too “sensitive” for this world. I don’t like cruelty, even done as a joke. One of my friends tried to cheer me up with a video of Xavier firing the Xmen and being really mean about it. Part of my understood where the jokes were coming from. But the way they were given… cruel for no other reason than a laugh. I wanted to punch him in the face. I wanted to see the xmen stand up to his cruelty, but they took it mostly passively. The only one I enjoyed to any extent was the Storm one where Xavier tries to blackmail her into controlling the weather for his benefit, and she quits in disgust.
My boss said I was stubborn. I only am if you could my morality. And I am only stubborn about my own actions, not others. I know other people don’t hold the same standards I do. Even people who profess to hold the same values don’t (do we need to talk about the hypocrisy of some Christians?). And that is their issue. Their life, not mine. I can get angry when they are cruel or mean or hurtful. I have realized there is nothing I can do or say to stop them from being so… and to fight them the same doesn’t work. They expect it. They… seem to want it. To justify their own behavior. I don’t know what to do… well. I hope I can convince those who are ignorant (not willfully ignorant) of what is going on and to take a stand against such behavior. To not stand idly by. But people are lazy. I AM LAZY. If I, with all my feelings and desires, still stand aside and let the bully win, who am I to ask it of others? I guess that is my biggest dilemma.
There are still instances where I am too scared to make a stand. Am I really in the right? Do I really have a good reason, and not just made up, as humans are so prone to do? What if I am wrong? Because I don’t know the whole story? And it freezes me. I don’t like confrontation. I don’t like people angry at me, let alone yelling at me. If they are yelling, but at the situation, I’m still uncomfortable, but I understand it isn’t me they are mad at and I can move on. Let it roll over me. There are also instances where I DO stand up. I guess that is a part of being human. At least, that is what I tell myself. Successes and failures.
Too pragmatic for my own good. No point in hating someone else. Waste of effort, really, and not even pleasant. Too aware of peoples words and actions and what it means… while the talk with my boss was unpleasant and hurt… I wasn’t shocked that they didn’t like me. I was shocked at how much they didn’t like me, and that they took it so personally they started telling others how horrible of a person I am. They don’t have the problem, I’m the one with the problem. I didn’t have a problem with them, and I don’t have the problems they are prescribing to me. The only problem I have with them is the sense of hurt that they would do this to me. I get that they probably don’t see it as a betrayal. I’m trying to remind myself of that, but I still feel betrayed.
I have no idea what I am going to do or say when next I see them. One of them will be tomorrow. Knowing me, I’ll probably be super quiet, not able to look them in the eyes. Maybe I’ll smile, try to break the tension between us, all the while feeling like nothing I do or say will be good enough for them. They have already made up their minds. And experience tells me, once a mind is made up about me, there is nothing I can do to change it.