So deep as to be a shallow mirror.

I have a bad habit of waking up in the morning, being super hungry, and not eating until hours later….

Heading out to go play at a roller-coaster park tomorrow with my family. Super excited, but I always end up feeling super hot and burning when I go… so this time I’m making sure I bring lots of sunscreen to put on at random intervals and a tank top. Sorry conservative family, I’m tired of overheating. Oh, and I shaved my armpits yesterday, so a little fuzz has already grown back. Deal.

I’m a terrible influence on my niblings, lol.

Heads up


So I haven’t been on tumblr as much as I’d like because I’ve been switching jobs and preparing for traveling to China in February for another job. Plus my dad’s bookstore closed because of stupid reasons (moneygrubbers) and I had to help move some 4,000 ish books in less than a month. Plus all the…

What exactly is this thing called love?
When it came I had not yet been born.
The sun shone for me for over twenty years,
I was only a child, knowing no sorrow at all.
Suddenly came the day - I loved and hated that day -
When in my heart something stirred; something was missing,
And that was the first time I felt this pain.
Some said it was a wound - now, you feel my chest -
When it came I had not yet been born,
What exactly is this thing called love?

From that time on I changed, a wild horse without a rein,
Galloping over the wilderness of humanity. I was
Like the Ch’u man of old who tried to offer his jade,
Who pointed at his heart and said, “There’s truth there, there is!
Cut me open here, if you don’t believe me, and see
If it isn’t a jade, this thing dripping blood.”
Blood! That merciless cutting, and my soul!
Who is he that forces me to ask this final question?

What a question! This time I’m glad my dream is over.
God, I’m not ill, no longer shall I groan before you.
No longer shall I long for the ethereal; I’ve no share in paradise;
I only want the earth, and to live plainly and honestly.
Never again shall I ask what exactly is this thing called love;
Since when it came I had not yet been born.

—Hsii Chih-mo, translated by Kai-yu Hsu

I find it funny when people call me vertically challenged because I am short. Dude, I’m not the one hitting my head on things just by walking.

Rewatching Buffy, and BOY is Xander a jerk… like… I don’t like him at ALL. Why he gotta be so mean and self righteous when he is clearly not in the right? I think the only episode I liked him in was the Halloween one where he was someone else. Though he did do some sorta nice things in the one where he tries to curse Cordelia. He is so rude to Buffy like ALL THE TIME. The epitome of the Nice Guy. Lusting after her and then rude to her when she doesn’t do what he wants of her.

Sure, he isn’t a horrible, terrible person, but he isn’t a nice person, either.

Now for me to drift off into the slumber of night vale podcast… best way to fall asleep (currently).

Goodnight, tumblr, goodnight.

When someone says they are uncomfortable, or even just shows signs of being uncomfortable, it is the decent thing to stop what you are doing. Whether it be about talking about your genitalia or having them critic your porn when they said they only like soft because porn is uncomfortable and hard porn is disturbing to them. Or even something so simple as a hug. If the other person doesn’t want to hug, don’t force them to hug. You are showing yourself to be a person who doesn’t care about the other person. If you don’t care about trying to make the other person comfortable around you, you don’t care about the other person. They aren’t a person to you. Do you care about if the chair you are sitting on is happy? If you don’t care if the person you are trying to be friends with is happy, they you don’t care about them. If you say you care about them, but then ignore their feelings or belittle their feelings, you don’t really care about THEM you only care about what they can do for you.

Soft porn is suggesting sexual activity. Two females, clearly naked, one fingering the other and sucking on her breast is NOT soft porn. It is porn. Not hard porn, but porn. I am against anything but porn because it sexualizes and objectifies most of the people involved. Or, should I say the porn industry, and subsequently most amateur pornists as well. Because I have been sexualized and objectified in real life by people I encounter as well as my own brothers, I am rather sensitive on the subject. If you leave those objectifications in porn, I’m good with you. I don’t care if you watch porn or help make it. What I care about is the influence it has on how you view and treat me.

I am not porn. I am a human being with feelings and goals and desires and a life outside of what you view me as. Don’t place me on a pedestal and don’t toss me in the ditch.

Last day is the 26th. Already starting work this week at my new job. Thursday. No rest for me.

I was thinking about giving my work a months notice (since they have mentioned before they want me as long as they can and would prefer to know sooner rather than later), but a conversation with my dad made me think about WHY. Two weeks is the courtesy amount. Most places want an employee out sooner because of theft, lack of interest in the job… you get the idea. I was thinking of giving them longer because they have been nice to me. Not amazing, wonderful, but NICE. Like… I feel obligated to bend over backwards because it is so rare to find people being nice to me? WTF. It should be expected to be treated mostly decent. But I don’t expect it.

They weren’t amazing because they hired me to be supervisor, then told me never mind, but do all the things the supervisor is suppose to do. We’re going to make you supervisor. But not yet. And they have been telling me this for over a year now… all the while I’ve been ordering food, keeping track of inventory, doing the paperwork, notifying my manager of anything they need to know, and correcting my coworkers on mistakes. If I actually think about it, they weren’t nice because of THAT. Sure, they gave me a raise, but not when I asked. They told me I HAD to wait a year. But they are crazy weird about their budget. Whatever.

I get into trouble with my coworkers because my manager asked me to correct anyone not following code but tell my coworkers I’m not the manager. That isn’t nice. It put me in a weird situation with my coworkers. I was lucky with the last two coworkers, but these two hate me. Even though they can see I do way more than them and know way more than them about what we are suppose to be doing.

But they talked to me when they saw me, asked me how I was doing. When I was sick, they didn’t get mad at me. They didn’t hate on me for not being able to come into work when I would get sick. Like. THAT is what made me feel like they were nice. And they ARE nice for that, because I’ve had jobs that make me feel guilty for being human and having normal human limitations.

I don’t owe them. They paid me, and it was their job to NOT have me working with food when I am sick. Goes to show how deep I’ve been taught to OWE people for being decent human beings. My dad doesn’t see it that way. He doesn’t OWE people for being nice to him. Sure, he’s more likely to help them out, but he doesn’t feel guilty if he says no. My brothers don’t feel guilty for it, either. One of my sisters don’t, but the other does.

Just… the realization was weird, and I wanted to share.